7/19
For once, could someone please be an exception? Everyone in this town is predictable. Everyone in this town does what is expected of them, what everyone else wants. It's like each person I know has a role, and they feel the need to follow the script exactly. I don't want someone to act like everything is perfect and run away when they're scared or unsure. I want someone to rip me apart and spell out my flaws with big neon lights, and then patch me up and kiss my chin. Don't question your heart, follow it. If there is any doubt in your mind, or any part of you that wants something, go for it. All you need to worry about, is how you feel. Not what your ex will think. Not what your friends will think. Not if you "want" it or not. The human mind is a great thing, but sometimes people are too stupid to realize they shouldn't always listen to logic.
6/18
one let down after another, when it comes to you
and with that, i'm done
6/12
I'm going to keep you in my mind, as you are right now, as you were two years ago, as you were on October 1st, 2006. I love every inch of your soul. You fill me up, and I feel home when in your presence. There will always be a big room in my heart that is yours. And in that room, will be the couch from your bedroom, the jeans I was wearing when we first kissed, the letter you wrote me on Valentines Day (Even though I ripped it up...I still remember what it said), and other various memories. And you, you are stuck in there. Try as you may, you're not getting out.
6/3
i think it's pathetic how when i make mix cd's, i make sure i put on music that you would like to hear
and how whenever my phone vibrates, my heart skips a beat because i hope it's you
and how no matter how much i tell myself i'm done, i know i'm not
and how i'm always available to you
and how i'm scared that you're going to say no and i'm going to move on and then in a few months you're going to call and say you want me back, because i know i'd give in
and finally, how much i over-analyze, while you're probably sitting at home not thinking anything of this
i'm going through my clothes, making a pile for those that i don't wear / no longer fit. and right beside that pile, you will find a pair of AE artist jeans, size 4 regular, with frayed ends and a cut on the bottom inside of each leg. they're beside the pile, and not in it, because although they don't ft very well anymore, i can't bear to rid my closet of them. so i will hang them back up, along with the jeans that i do wear; to be looked at, and touched, and remembered. like a photograph, only more real.
6/2
Last was good. I mean, it was really good. I had the best time with Darian, Perry, and Brittany.
I've missed Darian so much, and no matter how long we go without talking or hanging out, when we do, we pick up right where we left off. I haven't been to her house in months, but I felt completely comfortable walking right in, without knocking of course. After talking to her parents, I went up to her room and it was just like it always was. We got ready for graduation together, and told each other secrets, and it was really good. She was my first best friend, besides Cameron, and I think she always will be.
Graduation itself was great. The speakers were...entertaining. It's so weird thinking that will be me next year; that will be us. I don't feel like a senior. I don't look like a senior. Maybe it's just because I've grown up with these people, I've known them (more or less) since we wore Velcro shoes, I can't see them as seniors. You will all be 8 year olds to me forever, chasing each other on the playground and serving caution slips. I will always picture you as 11 year olds, playing swing tag and flirting with the flavor of the week. 13 year olds, graduating from South Vienna, crying because it was Shelby's last year with us. 14 year olds, wide-eyed and nervous for high school. And now 16, 17, 18- partying, laughing, confiding, fighting, so ready to get out of this small town. I can't picture us as anything but forever young.
I poured my heart out onto four sheets of $.99 notebook paper, and part of my heart left me when I folded them and gently kissed the crease. Those four sheets are covered with words of young innocence, stolen kisses, selfish arguments, and broken hearts. I feel relieved, like writing everything down and passing it on made it better. But I know it's not better, and I know it will never fully be fixed- I will never fully be fixed of this. Those four sheets of paper are gone, they're now Brett's property. And what he makes of it, is completely up to him. All I know is he is the first boy I kissed, the first boy I loved, and I have been forever changed by him.
This year has been life changing. I've met so many new, wonderful people. I feel like I'm a lot better off in most ways than I was at the beginning of the year. I've come out of my shell so much. To the girls in my lab, I know I'm loud and annoying, but you all have taught me so much more than just health knowledge, and I love you all.
But at the same time, I deeply miss Northeastern. I miss walking down the halls and knowing everyone (relatively speaking, that is). I wish I were with the people I'll be graduating with next year. I really regret losing touch with so many people. Seriously, everyone, lets hang out this summer. Ask me for my number if you don't have it, and don't hesitate to call me. I want to hang out with all of you.
There are a lot of things I miss. A lot. As much as I say I'm done dwelling on the past, I know that's not true. It's simply not possible. I have experienced so much in the past 11 years, and to not think about it is just unrealistic. I love talking about memories, the past, the "good ol' days". I love nostalgia, as melancholy as it can be.
Reading through all of this stuff is like listening to a mix cd. There are highs and lows and all of it, I want to remember. I want to remember the way it felt to find my best friend again. I want to remember how it felt to be back with my first romance, and then to have it all fall apart again. I feel absolutely invincible right now, and with senior year just around the corner, I hope it never changes.
